Hello again my loves. I am sorry it has been such a long time, life has been very busy lately. I am planning on blogging more often again (yay!) though I don’t think the posts are going to be as long or as heavily edited as in the past (or at least not every post). So take me or leave me, grammatical errors and all! This is part of my ongoing effort to drop the perfectionist act. If not being perfect means I get to post more, well then, so be it.
Surely you have noticed the other big change, which is that I merged my two blogs together. It was just going to be easier this way. I wanted to start posting more of my art again and rather than having two specialized blogs to flip back and forth between, it just made more sense to have one all-encompassing one. So this probably won’t be strictly art, or strictly my personal journey as I continue to try and navigate through difficult waters in this time of my life, but both. I am sort of excited about the whole thing really.
A lot has been happening as of late. As those of you who were reading Inner Alchemy probably gathered, I started seeing a wonderful man at the beginning of March and we are still together, going strong. He has been an immense support through the finalization of my divorce and everyday stressors in general, and I thank god everyday for placing him in my life.
I also had to quit my second job at Columbus Acupuncture and Wellness Center. This was a very difficult and sad decision to make. What it really came down to was- working all those extra hours were was affecting the ability to do my full time job well, and that was the job that was paying my bills. As I wrestled with what I wanted to do, I realized that I was using my second job as an escape while things were rough back in the fall. It was great working 50 hours a week when I was coming home every night to an empty apartment. Keep your brain busy and you don’t have to think about the fact that things were coming apart at the seams. Eventually, however, that sort of schedule starts wearing you down. I started feeling resentful that I was working so much and decided something had to give. My boss was very generous and understanding about the whole thing, and I am still a regular patient and fully support everything they do, and have done for me. CAaWC has been a major part of my journey and I am super grateful to them.
That doesn’t mean I magically became a fan of my regular full time job. I’ve been there a long time and I am burnt out, but I don’t really feel like I have any other options. I have been struggling with feeling stuck a lot lately. I want to feel like I have purpose in life, I want to get out of bed in the morning and be excited about the day and want to go to work because it feels more like play than a job.
I recently started making art again, particularly in my art journal. It’s amazing how you can put something down for a couple of months and forget how much you enjoy it. For a long time I have wanted to make art for a living, but have been too afraid. I make excuses and gave reasons why I could never do it. (I don’t understand business enough to run one… My art’s not good enough… Artists starve in this world, I would never make enough money to live off of… What makes me think I can break into a difficult field?… etc.)
Lately a teeny tiny little voice inside has started challenging these gremlins though… Why not? Why not me?
The last few days I have been catching up on a blog by one of my favorite mixed media artists Kelly Rae Roberts (you can check it out here…) and it’s crazy how much I can relate to her. She had humble beginnings, ironically enough as a social worker, and now she has a crazy successful business selling art, teaching, writing books and licensing her work. Strangely enough her own journey into the art world began when she started training for a marathon. You might wonder how she got from point A to point B… the simple answer is she did something she never thought she could, and when she was done she thought, “Well if I can run a marathon, why can’t I sell my art?”
The idea of doing something you never thought you could do is very powerful and I have been kicking the idea around in my head for a while now. It happened to manifest itself in a not so pleasant way this afternoon, however, when I was writing in my journal… (if you don’t understand my journal process, read about it here…)
July 10, 2013
Journal excerpt- (I apologize in advance for the number of F-bombs, I was not a happy camper…)
What if I am questioning my art and job stuff because the perfect thing hasn’t come into my life yet?
Maybe you need to do something you never thought you could, like Kelly Rae did…
What do you mean?
You seem out of touch with what you want, you need to get quiet with yourself…
Oh shit, please don’t say what I think you are going to say…
You need to learn to meditate.
Fuck! I told you not to say that. Damn it, I don’t want to!
How do you expect to be able to hear the whispers of your heart unless you stop long enough to hear them?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hate meditating.
You haven’t really tried very hard up to this point.
Yeah, because it’s HARD.
And you think running a business won’t be? Think of how useful meditation would be when you are stressed from running a business. If you can learn to calm your mind you can do anything.
Fuck. I guess I am going to have to do this huh?
You don’t HAVE to, but if you want the confidence to make things happen in your life then this will get you there faster.
Fine, but I am not happy about this.
And I am not to say the least. I was practically gleeful when I had an excuse to skip out on Mindfulness March, now I guess it is coming back to bite me in the butt. Maybe this is my marathon I have to run. I have to say taming my monkey mind is no easy task, but if I am being truly honest I can see the benefits. Definitely not thrilled about it, but I can see where it would come in handy.
So needless to say I am going to try again. And probably fail many times before I succeed. I am going to try and be okay with that, I think that is a big part of the process I need to learn to embrace and accept.
If any of you out there have any mediation tips, reading suggestions, or encouragement in general, I will gladly take it. I have a feeling this is going to be a frustrating, but enlightening process.
Until next time my friends.