I feel I owe you an apology dear readers, I have been woefully neglectful of my blog the last few weeks. “Mindfulness March” would be more aptly named “Mike March” at this point, as he has consumed most of my time and thoughts. (If you don’t know who Mike is, see my previous post here…)
I am sure, however, that you can commiserate with me. We have all been there before- you know the scenario. Guy messages girl, girl meets guy, both are completely and disgustingly engrossed with each other, and a lovely-dovey barf fest ensues.
Drunk on dopamine and norepinephrine, the heady cocktail of pleasure chemicals produced in the brain during the beginning stages of a new relationship, I literally feel like a junkie and Mike is my dealer. One hit just isn’t enough. Side effects of infatuation overdose include butterflies in your stomach whenever you see your paramour, the constant wondering how they are and what they are doing when you are apart, and your heart skipping a beat when you receive a call or text from that special someone… Oh boy, I am a sick, sick little girl my friends…
(Clears throat…) Hello everyone, my name’s Mary Anne, and I am a loveaholic…
All joking aside, as a result of this budding attraction, I have seriously been shirking my adventure year duties. I don’t think I have yet accomplished a single thing I set out to do this month and March is already half way over. I haven’t read any of my books, I haven’t been meditating, I haven’t visited the Buddhist Temple, I haven’t been keeping up with my blog (because I have nothing to blog about), and even my journaling has been sporadic at best.
I was feeling pretty guilty about all of this until a few days ago when I happened to be re-watching one of my favorite movies- Eat, Pray, Love. (Which also happens to be one of the inspirations for my adventure year.) A line from one of the scenes hit me like a slap in the face. In the story Liz (Julia Roberts), who is reeling from a nasty divorce, travels all over the world trying to find herself. She journeys to Italy, India, and ends up in Bali where she meets a man and falls in love. Towards the end of the movie he asks her to go away with him for a week right before she is getting ready to leave to go back to the United States. She balks at the offer siting “losing her balance” (emotionally and spiritually) as the reason why she won’t go with him. Later, while talking about it to her medicine man friend Ketut, he says-
“To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.”
Holy shit! Even though I have heard that line a hundred times, when he uttered those words I felt like he was actually speaking directly to me, and in that moment I no longer felt guilty because I realized he is right. To be completely irresponsible for love is sometimes exactly what we need, or at least is exactly what I need at this particular time.
I have been so uptight for so long it was starting to wear me down. So many people depend on me and expect me to be the “rational and mature” one. I can’t remember the last time I have had fun on a consistent basis, let alone the last time I was truly, blissfully, happy. Maybe it’s selfish, but damn it, I have been through a lot the last seven months, and I think I deserve to cut loose a little and toss responsibility to the wayside for a while. I am tired of working myself to death, and I am tired of looking at myself in the mirror in the morning and seeing dark circles under my eyes because I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I didn’t make huge changes in my life just to sign up for new stressors.
So guess what? I am going rogue. That’s right, I am going off the grid for a little while, and will be back at the end of the month just in time for April. Mindfulness can suck it. Suck it long, and suck it hard! From the onset of this project I knew I was going to be terrible at it anyway, and to be perfectly honest, maybe this is the Universe’s way of saving me from myself. I just about guarantee that trying to be “mindful” with everything going on at this point in my journey, boyfriend or no boyfriend, I probably would have ended up wanting to cut somebody before the end of the first week. I will be the first to admit that I am a hopeless perfectionist, and not being “good” at something drives me bat shit crazy. It would have just been too stressful. I plan to circle back and address it at some point later on, but now is not the time for it. Instead I am going to be flexible and just roll with the cards that have been dealt to me. (And for once it’s a pretty damn good hand! If this were euchre it would totally be a loner…) Therefore, I am re-christening this month “joyfulness” because, so far, that seems to have been the underlying theme. I am perfectly fine with continuing to act like a giddy teenager and find delight in spending time with my man, rather than trying to beat and wrestle my monkey mind into submission from the half lotus position.
Don’t worry, this is only a brief hiatus. I will be back in a couple of weeks. Maybe by then I will have managed to come down a little from my romantic high. If not, well… Anyone know a good twelve step program for smitten kittens? 🙂